Ever since the dawn of opinions, people have wondered why their fellow human beings foolishly work jobs, run businesses, or otherwise make money instead of “working” as a professional activist.

You may think a career in activism is out of reach. “But Josie,” you say, “organizing protests, annoying assholes in suits, making enemies because of your extremely abrasive interpersonal manner….none of that pays.”

Well a career in activism is NOT out of reach for you.  In fact, an exciting new career is just seven steps away!

 

GETTING READY:  PERSONAL PREPARATION

1.  FALL HEAD OVER HEELS IN LOVE WITH YOUR OWN OPINIONS.  How is anyone else going to pay you to have political thoughts if even you yourself don’t believe those thoughts are far greater than those produced by others?  Treat your opinions like they are a girl you’re obsessed with: talk endlessly about them, follow them on the internet, and eventually kill them because you wanted just one second of peace in your mind.

2.  GET A TEAM IN PLACE.  No great pro activist ever did it alone.  He did it by conniving soon-to-be-ex friends into doing a bunch of work for free and then taking credit for all of it!  So get a team of people together, tell them you’ll pay them, and then if they ask for that money, just never talk to that person again.

3.  REMEMBER: EVERYTHING YOU DO IS VITAL TO THE FUTURE OF HUMANITY, SO EVERYTHING YOU DO IS THAT MUCH MORE IMPORTANT.  Similarly, it’s not hypocrisy if you’re the one doing it.  You’re too busy (more on that later) to deal with such haters!

 

MAKING IT PAY

4.  SELL SOMETHING THAT’S ALREADY AVAILABLE ELSEWHERE FOR FREE.  People like going to your protests?  Charge them a franchise fee, for free speech!  People like your takes on the news?  Start a news aggregator/app, and charge! It’s cool, you accept bitcoin.

5.  GO TO JAIL FOR COMPLETELY PREVENTABLE REASONS, RAISE A LEGAL DEFENSE FUND, GET A PUBLIC DEFENDER, AND LIVE FOR MONTHS OFF OF THAT DEFENSE FUND.  This is multiple steps in one, but with a little practice you’ll have it down to one fluid motion of feigned-surprise-feuled desperation.

6.  REMEMBER THAT IF YOU BRING UP HOW BUSY YOU ARE ALL THE TIME, YOU MAY ACTUALLY CONVINCE PEOPLE YOU HAVE A PURPOSE.  This is your JOB, darnit!  And one to which you devote investment-banker hours! Do you have any idea how many Instagram notifications a professional activist (particularly a wildly successful one) can get in a week?

 

FINALLY:  AND MOST IMPORTANTLY

7.  ASK FOR DONATIONS.  If you’re doing activism without asking for money at every turn, then it’s not activism. It’s not a career, or a job.  It’s just an asshole with an opinion, until you arm him with some freshly donated Litecoin!

 

Well you’ve made it to the end of this essay, and I’m not any richer yet.  If you are still reading now, you obviously liked this essay enough to read to here.  And this essay, because it was done professionally by me, a professional it’s not free.  Please make an investment in ridding humanity of evil by giving me money so I can eat.  For real I’m hungry.

 

Josie Wales is a writer, public speaker, and freedom advocate from the Philadelphia area. You can find her videos on YouTube at https://www.youtube.com/user/JosieTheOutlaw1, as well as http://josietheoutlaw.com/