Study Shows That Listening to Justin Bieber’s Music Will Turn Your Children Into Upstanding, Respectable, Model Citizens… But That’s Still No Fucking Excuse


Model Citizen?

Model Citizen?

A new study shows that children who listen to Justin Bieber are more likely to become model adults. The study, which followed 300 children in the Netherlands and “tracked incidents of minor delinquency–such as shoplifting or vandalism — from the time they were 12 until they reached age 16,” found that, according to The Atlantic: twelve-year-olds who were into hip-hop, metal, gothic, punk, trance or techno/hardhouse had already begun to “act out,” and continued to do so by the time they were 16. Those who liked rock music at age 12 were relatively well-behaved, but were more likely to engage in bad behavior at 16.

Preferring either mainstream pop (or “highbrow” music like classical or jazz, which the researchers considered conventional), on the other hand, did not predict future delinquency, and in some cases was negatively associated with it.

I don’t know if these results are accurate but our own independent, “scientific” study conducted here at the Chaos Section showed that children who listen to Bieber on a regular basis are more likely to become boring, opinionless hacks, completely devoid of any desire to act independently, who always follow “the rules” no matter how silly they may be.

I remember, when I was a kid, the big PMRC “debate” on whether or not listening to NWA would “make you” shoot cops or playing a Danzig album would turn you into an evil Satan worshiper. Scary stuff. Maybe we should put warning labels on Justin Bieber albums as well:

Parental Advisory

I’m aware that it would be a rather large sticker and would likely cover up much of the album art, but I think I’m okay with that.

Before you Bieber fans – whoever the hell you are – get all bent out of shape, I understand that the study didn’t focus strictly on The Bieb. And I’m also aware that, according to said study, classical music and jazz are shown to help mold kids into model citizens as well. But it wouldn’t be nearly as much fun to pick on Beethoven or Louis Armstrong. Besides, they had something else that most modern pop doesn’t: originality. It actually upsets me a little bit that they are mentioned in the same breath as Mr. Bieber.

Now, I know most of you are asking yourselves the same burning questions right now: “Are ‘researchers’ in the Netherlands extremely bored with their careers? Do they have way too much time and money on their hands?” Well, luckily for you we are currently conducting yet another “scientific” study to determine the answers to these very questions… and it looks like the results have just come in: Yep.

I’m afraid that’s all I have time for tonight. So, if you’ll kindly excuse me, it’s getting quite late and I need to go play some Rage Against The Machine for my five-year-old before he goes to bed.

Author: After leaving the Army in 2005, Nick moved to Austin, TX where he lives with his wife, son and two big, dumb, ugly mongrel dogs. And Justin Bieber seems like a very nice young man.

Rage Against The Machine

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15 thoughts on “Study Shows That Listening to Justin Bieber’s Music Will Turn Your Children Into Upstanding, Respectable, Model Citizens… But That’s Still No Fucking Excuse

      • Monica, we may kind of sound like old people, but to be fair, I’ve never said that all of today’s music sucks! There are some amazing bands out there- Wilco, MMJ, Clay Nightingale, Lonesome Heroes, Avett Brothers- just to name a very few. The thing that sucks is the music industry… and the fact that they often pass on amazing bands in order to sell this prepackaged, formulaic, safe, homogenized, poppy bullshit to dumb people.

        -Nick

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    • And thanks Tim! Appreciate you guys reading. And to be honest, it’s just a silly article. I don’t actually have any issue with Bieber, as far as I know. Don’t know shit about the guy. I was just unfortunate enough to hear one of his songs once! But hey, I’m glad he’s doing well. And I really don’t give a shit what people listen to if it makes them happy.

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      • huge fan, been a fan since beginning- rmbemeer seeing u play under a tarp at the warped tour- no stange, nothing. and you made it happen. anyhow, i own all your cds-purchased them over the years. i download them onto my personal music hard drive. anyhow, i cannot open or even get the proper liscences to listen to a lot of the older ones. please help!! mike

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  1. Yea and wilco and MMJ and A bros have been commercially successful. Its rare tho that real talent and real instruments makes it! O well as long as I know where to find good music who cares!!

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  2. I thinbk “researchers” were saying some of the same stuff back in the 1950s and 1960s about kids who listened to rock-n-roll, that we would never amount to anything. Perhaps their warnings did come true and some of those kids became social researchers in the Netherlands.

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  3. What kind of self-respecting researcher would actually consider this a valid study? The problem with studies like this is obvious. The type of people that listen to Justin Bieber are inherently different people than the kind of people that listen to something like death metal. Their disposition dictates their actions. Of course people that enjoy this type of music are soft, sentimental individuals. I can’t imagine a hard-a** dude on a motorcycle going home to listen to Bieber while making some cookies. You might as well just create a study that states “New findings reveal that people who listen to Christian rock are more likely to be Christian than people who listen Jewish folk music.”

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  4. Pingback: Chaos 2013: Year in Review | Chaos Section

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