With an average of 17 nationally televised debates a day, it can be difficult to keep up with the exciting race for the Republican nomination. So here’s everything you need to know in three paragraphs. 

Breaking: The African-American neurosurgeon and former candidate who believes the Egyptian Pyramids were built by an Old Testament character to store grain, joins the white supremacist and former KKK Grand Wizard in endorsing the reality TV star with intentionally bad hair. The billionaire TV star, who recently “guaranteed” voters that there is indeed “no problem” with the size of his penis, has also secured the endorsement of the overweight authoritarian from New Jersey, after encouraging his supporters to physically assault peaceful protesters at his campaign rallies.

Meanwhile, the Cuban-American Senator and establishment favorite from Florida, looking fashionable in a pair of patent leather boots with 4-inch heels, has halted his comedic personal attacks on the alleged big-dick-billionaire, while neglecting to run anything resembling an effective campaign in his home state, which he will most likely lose in a landslide this Tuesday. The other anti-immigration Cuban Senator in this race, the Evangelical, Cuban-Canadian Senator from Texas, continues to rise in the polls behind a strong message of bigotry, fear, and intolerance, as he looks to establish himself as the “more professional but equally crazy” alternative to the current front-runner.

Shockingly, the one adult in the race, the Governor from Ohio who no one has ever heard of, seems to be the most “sane and rational” choice for the GOP nomination. At press time, he was trailing badly in the polls. Witnesses reported seeing him stare silently into nothingness with a look of shock and dismay on his face, as he watched his beloved Republican Party crumble from within and fade forever into obscurity.

Author: Nick Allison is just a banged-up Army Infantry vet of the War in Iraq. He lives in Austin, TX with his wife, their children and two big, dumb, ugly mongrel dogs. Don’t take anything he says too seriously… he’s just trying to figure out this ride we call existence like everyone else. Also, he enjoys writing his own bio in third-person because it probably makes him feel more important.