Law enforcement officers have apprehended a large older man with a long white beard in a bright red suit by the name of Kris Kringle (a.k.a. Santa Claus). The suspect was trying to get an unlicensed sleigh pulled by an endangered species through a driver’s license checkpoint with a “suspicious amount of packages” and pocket full of a leafy green substance he claims to be ‘mistletoe,’ according to police. Results from the forced blood draw have yet to be released, but police suspect the driver may have had too much eggnog as well. Also referred to as “Old St. Nick,” the perp’s continuous shouting of peace on earth and good will towards all was a public menace constituting a disturbing of the peace, and police suspect the bright red suit to be indicative of a “pimp” involved in a prostitution ring who would be out too late at night to be up to anything good. Subsequently, a public curfew has been instituted on concerns that some of these “gift-wrapped packages” may be explosive devices rigged by this jolly old terrorist suspect.
Protesters have gathered at the site of the arrest and accordingly been corralled into the police-provided ‘free speech zone.’ Demonstrators are reportedly holding signs with sayings such as, “Welcome To Police State America.” The police on the scene are said to be prepared and equipped to handle any unrest with their up-armored mine resistant vehicles, gas, K-9 units, rubber bullets, riot gear, sound cannons, fire hoses, snipers, undercover officers hiding among the demonstrators, and plenty of military grade guns and ammo.
In other news, someone claiming to be Mrs. Claus has filed a missing person report, and apparently made the bizarre statement, “it looks like we may have to cancel Christmas.”