2013 was our first full year of publishing our little community blog here and I’m proud of our group of writers – they’ve put in some quality work this year. And so, as the year comes to a close, instead of doing the standard “Top-10-Inspirational-New-Year-Quotes,” or some other such bullshit, I thought I’d go back and run down some of the essays published at Chaos Section in 2013. Our readership has grown exponentially in the last few months and many of our readers may have missed some content from earlier in the year.
January. We started 2013 off with an edition of Fun With Biblical Interpretation, in which we covered the lovely story of Elisha, the She Bears and The Angry Desert God – who felt that “Death by Mauling” was an appropriate punishment for children who make fun of bald dudes. I immediately received several angry emails from people who felt that I wasn’t treating the Holy Bible with respect. I assured them that indeed, I was not. Willie B. Lakey posted a piece on new year’s resolutions, mental health disorders and the dreaded Fiscal Cliff!
A.G. House, never one to mince words, asked the question, “Should we have a Constitutional Amendment to the Bill of Rights to guarantee our right to choose what we each put into our own bodies?” And then explained to us why “those people waging this asinine ‘war on drugs’ are completely full of shit.”
In his essay, Whose Truth Is Reality? Jay Gondolfo wrote about leaders, followers, propaganda, belief and breaking free of social norms: “Just think how much shit we ingest into our brains on a daily basis that is considered “societal norm.” And on top of the “new” social norm information (shit), we still have drilled into our brains the crap we’ve been taught our whole lives! I think it’s about time we change that. I think now—more than any other time in (known) human history—is a time to be weird and not a part of the mold, no matter what that mold may be. I know that I personally have some far out ideas and, in an odd way, those ideas DO shape my reality and perception of my world. Because in the end, that’s all this is—MY world, as it is YOUR world that you are living through your own experience and ideas.”
Jay then promptly attacked shitty customer service in Take it or Leave it.
Also in January, Willie B. dropped his first Sports Report on us, We Have The Power To Turn The Power Off, covering Manti Te’o’s imaginary dead girlfriend, Lance Armstrong, Oprah and drugs.
Teri Wills Allison looked into violence in our society and the possibility of a paradigm shift, “Violence is institutionalized in this country, and we export it to the world. And I do mean we—you and me—because our tax dollars are spent waging war around the globe and subsidizing firearms manufacturers here at home. We acquiesce to let the fools in charge run things as they see fit, and for their own profit. But policymakers don’t fall out of the sky. We put them in positions of power, and they come from our neighborhoods, churches, schools and homes. In short, they are us.”
We closed out the month with the idea of putting Parental Advisory Stickers on Justin Bieber albums, took a serious look at PTSD recovery, had a hilarious discussion on sports, homosexuality, NASCAR and GoDaddy.com, and took a retrospective look at Cynthia Cone’s time spent in prison: The New York State Prison System and Me: A Tale of Love, Loss and Moving On.
In February, Jay told us exactly what he would do if he was in charge, Cynthia smiled and stalked Henry Rollins and A.G. House defined the word “Busybully” for us (one who officiously seeks out people over whom and situations in which to employ coercive leverage, such as state power/government authority, as a self-appointed absolute arbiter of some idea of justice and/or equality, etc.) and wrote an open letter to his representatives in support of medical cannabis for veterans and others suffering from post traumatic stress disorder.
Jay Gondolfo started off the month of March with a tirade about yellow ribbons, flag waivers, corporations taking advantage of veterans and “patriotism” to turn a profit and people “thanking him for his military service.” Mr. House discussed censorship while Willie B. introduced us to The Papal 500 and gave us betting odds on the next pope. We also discussed the ridiculous biblical argument for “traditional” marriage and discovered the problem with movements.
April was a busy month with eleven new essays published. We covered everything from religious dating sites to finding satan. From finding empowerment in laughter to the viral “sappy load of shit” that was not written by George Carlin. Cynthia brought us a candid essay on her mother and the anti-war movement. And we added a new team member, the always philosophical and entertaining Justin Nafziger, who taught us that time is not money (You know the old adage, “time is money?” Well, it’s wrong. Time isn’t money, and depending on how you define it, time isn’t even time. But that’s not what I’m here to talk about. I’m here to talk about money), ethics, and discovering who you really are, today.
Jay closed out the month by berating the “overly sensitive, whiny, sniveling douchebags” and telling the internet warriors to actually do some research before spreading halfcocked conspiracy theories accross the world wide web.
In May we covered several planned marches on Washington D.C. by people armed with real guns, people armed with toy guns and people with no guns who were opposing the people armed with real guns. Our friend Glenn Horowitz contributed with a guest post about the death of the “liberty movement.” A.G. House told you to “Go fuck yourself.” And Willie B. became an ordained Dudeist Priest, covered the Oklahoma City tornadoes and Mel Brooks and cheered on the Red, White and Bruised.
Texas Governor Rick Perry fired the first shot in the alleged “War on Christmas” – way back in June – when he signed the Merry Christmas Bill into law, making it even more legal than it already was to wish your neighbor “Merry Christmas.” Cynthia attended a rally in support of Bradley Manning: “I know there are still some who will say what he did was treason and that he should be put to death for his crime; but as the banner says, ‘Blowing the whistle on war crimes is not a crime.’ Or at least, it shouldn’t be.”
Also in June, A.G House, a former Christian and licensed minister, pissed off the religious-right when he issued an apology: “I want to say here, that I am truly and deeply sorry for any part I have played in any way, shape, or form, to lend any credibility at any point in my life to the idea that god exists. Although I was a licensed minister for some years, even if it was only the fact that I was just one more adherent of billions giving credibility to the notion of the existence of some form of god, I deeply regret it. If you have ever been a victim of religious intolerance in any way whatsoever in the course of your life, please accept my sincere and humble apology for my role in any way validating and/or perpetuating the superstitious nature of my fellow man which has hurt you. One of the few things I can think of to try to make right my mistake is to never again encourage someone to seek after some asinine fable about a god who is magically coming to save us, but to encourage every individual to dig deep within to unlock your own potential, be your own messiah, and save yourself.”
Justin destroyed some labels, Cynthia and Public Enemy spoke truth to power and Willie B. went after racist old ladies from the South and Governor Good Hair, (R-TX).
July was another busy month. Jay Gondolfo tackled the racial divide in America, the “thrills” of law enforcement and the mysterious Agent Kokesh. Teri got involved in the women’s rights debate raging in Texas. We celebrated Hunter Thompson’s 76th birthday, rode along on a couple of psychedelic trips (good and bad) and watched 100 children starve to death while God was busy doing automotive repairs. A.G. House got inspired, then got busy, jumping in to some investigative (and opinionated) journalism, covering both an out-of-control cop and a trial on evolution. Willie brought us the All Star Game and the public media trials of George Zimmerman… and O.J. Simpson.
In August, Cynthia read some very candid letters from her younger self. A-Rod got popped for steroids (shocking) and Bud Selig started “cleaning up” baseball. President Obama thought about attacking Syria and then backed off. And Cynthia Cone wrote the most shared (thanks Joe Rogan) article of the year: Ask Me Anything You Want; Just Don’t Ask Me what I Think Happened to Michael Hastings.
In September, Teri asked, “What Antiwar Movement?” while attending a pitifully small rally against the proposed invasion of Syria: “In 2008, when Obama was elected, the majority of the antiwar set heaved a gullible sigh of relief. He wasn’t my candidate—that would have been Dennis Kucinich—and I probably wouldn’t have entrusted his corporate ass with my purse while I went to the lady’s room, but I did allow myself some hope (also known as self-delusion). Long story short, it was confirmed very clearly, very quickly, that Obama was nothing more than BushLite—and in some respects, Dubya on steroids.”
Rachel Zimmerman and Willey Lakey also weighed in on Syria with their respective essays, Will Ferrell Indignation and Chaos Sports: Choosing Up Sides, Learning To Hate.
“Most Americans rooted for Saddam to get the better of Iran during the 80s. Like the Mets-Red Sox syndrome I mentioned earlier, people get so caught up in hatred for someone else that they cheer for anyone. That’s where we are now in Syria—fans rooting against the US going in because it’s what the head donkey, Barack Obama, wants. And a lot of the rhetoric from the peace mongers, so vocal when an elephant, Bush 43, resided at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, is now silent.” ~Willie B. Lakey
Cynthia raged against the machine with her piece on New York’s “Stop and Frisk” policy, Mayor “Doucheberg” and the rest of America’s petulant political class. Former minister A.G. House praised former minister Jerry DeWitt’s book. And gun owner Jay Gondolfo pissed off gun owners. We posted Operation Iraq Colonialism, an educational guest piece from a soldier who wished to remain anonymous. Cynthia closed out the month of September by getting an awesome new tattoo and trying to fight off “some sort of deranged mid-life crisis,” or perhaps, “the beginning stages of a complete mental breakdown.”
Happy Columbus Day! In October we celebrated the life of a murderous Italian psychopath and discovered that way too many Americans, including one particular supreme court justice, actually – literally – believe that the “devil” is a real person. And we watched as Senator Ted Cruz read Green Eggs and Ham on the senate floor. Frank Shaw made a great contribution with a thoughtful piece on mortality, grief and acceptance. And Cynthia got herself arrested with members of Veterans for Peace at the Vietnam Veterans Memorial in NYC. And of course, we asked if you are cool with people watching you masturbate… after all, you aren’t doing anything wrong. We then celebrated Halloween with comedian Duncan Trussell.
In November, Willie gave us some tips we all could use, like: “Next time you see your mom, just give her a buck for no reason at all; and if you’re not going to see her until the next life, give some other mom in your current life a tip.” And Justin Nafziger wrote about Trust and Hope – you have to read these two essays – I can’t recommend them enough.
Which brings us up to speed. December, 2013. We started the month with another installment of Fun with Biblical Interpretation, Part 3. Then Cynthia got super honest and open in Till Death, an essay about marriage, relationships, sex and doubt. Jay recounted a recent conversation with his father regarding Nelson Mandela, Pearl Harbor and media coverage. We then published a guest submission from Adam Hinds on The Legality of Marriage.
And finally, we ended the year with a message from Cynthia Cone that, I think, we can all agree with:
“As a child, like most, I loved Christmas and presents. Even though my mom was poor she always went above and beyond. I remember one year she put a pair of Sasson jeans on lay-away for what seemed like months. When I finally got them I was so happy – but I immediately tore them while roller skating. The girls at school made fun of me when I kept wearing them – but I continued to do so, patch and all.
At some point I began to feel sorry for those other girls… because I understood that the only worth they felt came from their clothes. My mom may have been broke, but she taught me that my worth came from within.
So buy your kids gifts this Christmas, but remember that they are fleeting. Teaching them empathy, kindness and love towards all humanity is the greatest gift you can give to them – and to the world.”
So, that’s it – 2013 is in the books. I want to say “thank you” to all of our regular contributors, our guest contributors and of course, our readers. You guys are awesome. It’s been a great year and we look forward to bringing you more original – and perhaps even interesting – content in 2014. Be safe and have a Happy New Year, you heathens.
– Nick Allison, ChaosSection.Com
Chaos Section Regular Contributors:
• Cynthia Cone is a heavily tattooed Ex-Con with no college education and very bad punctuation. She currently lives on Long Island, NY where she pays extremely high taxes, likes to drink, rage against the machine and shop at the GAP.
Cynthia is also a satellite producer for the radio show Dangerous Conversation which can be heard on radioio.com.
• A.G. (BRICK) House is an Afghanistan war veteran and former licensed minister (UPCI), who has become an outspoken skeptic, peace advocate, and involved himself in many other issues which he believes affect the individual freedoms of the people whose constitutional rights he took an oath to defend. He currently resides in the heart of Tennessee with his companion dog ‘Liberty,’ where he is recovering from PTSD, enjoys the therapeutic hobbies of gardening, creative writing https://chaossection.com/, playing drums in the heavy metal band OUTLAW SERENADE http://www.outlawserenade.com/, and other forms of artistic expression. Read A.G. House’s Articles/Essays Here
• Teri Wills Allison is nobody special, just an angsty, dirt-worshiping plant whisperer who functions best in her garden and in the company of horses and barnyard fowl. She embraces the Gaia hypothesis, hates wearing eyeglasses, frets over the Oxford comma and labors under the illusion that her words might somehow have an impact on someone, somewhere. Teri deeply regrets not having done more to leave her children and grandchildren a cleaner, greener, more peaceful world, and dreams that her efforts to make up for lost time will bear fruit beyond the wildest imaginings. Her favorite quote is from Isadora Duncan, to wit: You were once wild here. Don’t let them tame you.
• Willie B Lakey: A crotchety old man since his birth during Gen. Eisenhower’s first term as US president, Willie B. Lakey resides in the bee-yoo-tiful Texas Hill Country along with his wife, too many cats and his beloved beer fridge. Employed as an overworked and underpaid freelance sportswriter, his few moments of happiness usually come when communing with critters, tending his garden or sippin’ cold beer and enjoying tunes at Gruene Hall.
• Justin Nafziger: Hello everyone. I’m much better at self-analysis than self description; besides, you’ll get an idea about my views in reading what I post. I’ve grown up traveling and in all the time I’ve spent seeing new places, people and things I’ve come to one clear conclusion; real meaningful moments and interactions don’t have to be permanent to be valuable, but they do have to be honest or they’ll be leached of meaning. Oh and that ethics (aka integrity in action) is a very personal proposition and cannot be successfully codified or dogmatized.
“There are as many truths as there are drops of water in the ocean and grains of sand on the beach.”
Reality is collaborative, truth is personal – Read Justin’s Articles/Essays Here
• Rachel Zimmermann is a 43 year old dependent with a fair amount of artistic ability and lots of spare time. She currently resides on Long Island with her husband and two children. Read Rachel’s articles and essays here
• Frank Shaw lives in a small corner of Utah eking out a meager living and trying to figure life out in general. He’s passionate about games, theater, and writing in no particular order and has a love of dogs and tacos. He’s continuously perplexed by the world at large particularly human behavior, and he’ll tackle religion, philosophy, politics and humanity on a daily basis, but never before breakfast or a cup of coffee. Read Frank’s Articles/essays here.
• Nick Allison is just a banged-up Army Infantry vet of the War in Iraq. He lives in Austin, TX with his wife, their children and two big, dumb, ugly mongrel dogs. Don’t take anything he says too seriously… he’s just trying to figure out this ride we call existence like everyone else. Also, he enjoys writing his own bio in third-person because it probably makes him feel more important.