Chaos Sports Report: “Niggers & Queers” Clash In Heavyweight Bout


“I think gay marriage is good for the economy, at least those of us in the food biz and lawyers (gay divorce).” ~ Linda Lee
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Catering and counseling, that’s the future. But before you make any decision about the quote above, give yourself a Paul Harvey break and hear the rest of the story.

Paula Deen and DOMA, huh? That’s our main card this past week? Really!? Some old white lady from the South saying nigger and a 5-4 split by the alleged top legal minds of this country to allow people of equal gender to get hitched?

Ok, sorry for using the word equal, we already now that isn’t the case for anyone — not everyone, but anyone — in the good ol’ US of A. Y’all do realize that until everyone has the same rights, nobody has them, right?

Rick Perry Challenges Every Texas Vagina On The Undercard
In this corner, dang-near as tall as Barack Obama and weighing in around 200, most of it hair, Texas Governor Rick Perry. His challenger will be every vagina in Texas, much of that sans hair. Times have changed, don’t you know?

July 1 is a big day for women in Texas, and everywhere else for that matter. Do Texas women have any rights to their ovaries, their womb, their birth canal and, well, anything else for that matter?

This is a far more intriguing fight than the main card, and I’m going to lay a wager on the underdog in this classic battle over abortion. The ‘dog, of course, is common sense and civility, neither of which will be on display by the majority on the floor of the Texas Capitol. My cynical old ass is afraid Perry and his prick pals pull off the win, no pun intended.

We’re Going To Be Using Lotsa’ Butter Today, Y’all
I have to admit to not really worrying about what Paula Deen said for years now. I like watching Rachel Ray, because she’s cute and cooks real meals throwing together all sorts of shit, and Alton Brown, because he gives me some science behind culinary ventures. But that’s about it.

I also can’t help but wonder if all of the nimrods who stood in line at Chick-fil-a for fried chicken last summer understand now that Mike Huckabee’s call to service had zero to do with freedom of speech. He has certainly remained quiet on Deen’s words, and in fact never followed up to let his supporters know Chick-fil-a eventually backed off its stance, at least publicly, in pursuit of the almighty dollar.

The original quote at the beginning of this article came from a discussion on a Chaos Section piece about the Bible and tolerance for all sorts of things from homosexuals to polyester to haircuts. Even said so much in the title. It was a good discussion, educational on my part certainly, and I’d like to think the same on the other end.

Business will remain brisk for lawyers in this country whether or not same-sex marriages are approved across all 50 states. Emotions and ideals will, of course, settle the debate in the end on the issue of anything to do with gay rights. The economics will eventually be determined by the sale of rainbow flags and fried chicken on a biscuit, along with contributions to our elected officials.

Throwing same-sex marriage on the states is no different than how this country enforced voting rights for black men shortly after the Civil War. Back then, anyone with a vagina remained a second-class citizen. Hopefully it won’t drag out as long, or as violently, but we all have to be in it for the long haul in both bouts.

So pack plenty of beer and hot dogs, or ring up your favorite caterer, and grab a good seat; it’s likely to be extra innings.

Author: A crotchety old man since his birth during Gen. Eisenhower’s first term as US president, Willie B. Lakey resides in the bee-yoo-tiful Texas Hill Country along with his wife, too many cats and his beloved beer fridge. Employed as an overworked and underpaid freelance sportswriter, his few moments of happiness usually come when communing with critters, tending his garden or sippin’ cold beer and enjoying tunes at Gruene Hall.

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One thought on “Chaos Sports Report: “Niggers & Queers” Clash In Heavyweight Bout

  1. Pingback: Chaos 2013: Year in Review | Chaos Section

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