Finding Satan

by Jay Gondolfo

It has occurred to me these past few years that Christian fundamentalists are seeking “Him.”

No, not Jesus… Satan!

I remember the good ‘ol days back when people of faith saw Jesus in everything: a rock, the clouds, a bowl of cereal, etc. Those were the days, right? They may have been delusional, but at least they were positive and peaceful…

Actually, I just made that up… The game has always been about finding the Devil in things. It seems like Satan has taken the place of Waldo, and Christians just can’t get enough of finding him everywhere. On paper money, television, movies, games, children’s books, even some foods have something to do with that pesky red man with horns.

As far back as I can remember, everything about everything involving religious people was staying vigilant against the Devil and his evil tricks! Although my family weren’t religious fanatics, we still played the Catholic game for traditional and cultural purposes until I was about seven or eight. I went to Catholic school (unscathed and untouched I may add) from Kindergarten to 2nd grade right after receiving my first holy communion and confession session… which by the way, my first confession should have been an omen to my future of not taking religion seriously. My first confession was held in Our Lady of Perpetual Help Church in Pelham, New York. The priest hearing my confession was a man from India, probably in his early 30’s. So here I am, seven years old or so in this back room of the church with this priest who sounds like Apu from The Simpson’s… How do you think this went down? I was laughing my ass off uncontrollably, that’s how it went down. Here this guy is telling me, “You must confess all and everything so God can forgive you,” in this thick Indian accent, and I can’t stop giggling. So, I vividly remember just making some shit up to keep this guy talking, and it worked! He kept asking questions, and I kept lying. I laughed and laughed, ate my first Jesus cracker, was forgiven, and left so the next kid could walk in and be “saved.” Due to the fact that I was little, I didn’t understand just how fucked up it is to force a child to confess for some bullshit under the threat of angering a mythical creature in the clouds, but even more so the fact that it was strictly focused on convincing me that my actions were that of Satan’s so I needed to “apologize” for simply existing.

jimmy swaggartAs life went on, I kind of held on to the God/Devil thing because that is what was shoved down my throat for my first seven or eight years. I finally separated myself from religion when I was about 20. However, no matter how far I distanced myself from religious loons, it was never far enough and I could never rid myself of stumbling across the famous “Satan is everywhere” propaganda.

As amazing as the internet and social media is, it’s unfortunate how millions of people can’t help but share with the rest of us their “extensive research” and findings of where Satan leaves his mark and who Satan has a hold of. In the social media field of keyboard archeology, these professionals can give their expert opinions based off of an internet picture with a caption and then share it with the rest of us. Incase you were wondering, keyboard archeology is a hobby favored by many conspiracy theorists and religious fundamentalists who don’t really have the faintest clue about science, history, or even reality for that matter, but nevertheless they make conclusions based off of photos or YouTube videos they see and hold that information as solid fact without further research.

It is beyond annoying to see such stupidity passed as fact, but hey, its comic relief does help. I’d say in the past week I have seen at least 30 things from Facebook posts, to YouTube videos, to internet articles that somehow have to do with “Satan”. The most comical one recently is the Christian fundamentalist conclusion that the American Congressional Medal of Honor is a “covert praise to Satan” because its star faces down. Really Christians? Really? Such idiocy doesn’t deserve an intelligent response. That is why Christians are harped on so much as opposed to Muslims and Jews. When people make fun of Islam or Judaism, it’s usually racial based nonsense that has nothing to do with the religion. I poke fun at everyone, Muslims and Jews included, but it is aspects of the religion I make fun of and the asinine beliefs that people create for it. Truth be told, if I saw Jewish or Muslim nonsense posted everywhere I’d have a field day ripping on them, but the fact remains that Jews and Muslims don’t have anywhere near the TV channels, radio stations, telethons, or door knockers as Christians do here in the United States, especially in the Southern states where I currently reside. Christians are always whining about being singled out. Well, yeah! When you have people who believe and spread things such as “The Congressional Medal of Honor is Satanic,” “Hollywood is a Satanic cult brainwashing the people of America,’ or my personal favorite “Barack Obama is a reincarnation of Egyptian Pharaoh Akhenaten sent by Satan as the anti-Christ to take over the world,” your religion will be picked on mercilessly by people who are more intellectually capable. Aren’t you people embarrassed to say these things publicly? Though my question is rhetorical and I already know that people have no shame in passing such moronic information as fact, I still have to kind of stand in awe of how severely cult brainwashing controls the actions of human beings.

I guess all that’s left for me to say is, good luck finding Satan wherever you can, because the more obscure and ridiculous places you find him, the more often we will roll our eyes in exasperating disbelief… followed by sarcastic humor.

About the Author: Jay Gondolfo is 6 year Coast Guard veteran who has a love for personal freedom, esoteric/occult studies, offensive and intellectual comedy, and music.

Contact Jay at

Satan in America


3 thoughts on “Finding Satan

  1. Pingback: The Devil and Justice Scalia | Chaos Section

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