“What in the Wide World of Sports is a-goin’ on here?” ~ Taggart in Blazing Saddles

Our sports update begins with a story from the “Here’s A Shovel To Help Dig Your Hole” Department at Chaos Section. Manti Te’o, the Notre Dame linebacker scammed by an on-line girlfriend who died then came back to life, took his damage control to the small screen last week in an interview with Katie Couric, succeeding to at least extend his 15 minutes of infamy.

Just where Te’o’s gullibility ends and complicity begins remains a moot point, but the most interesting part of the interview — at least for yours truly — came when Couric, noted for her hard-nosed journalism, asked the Heisman Trophy runner-up if he was gay.

Te’o said he was not, then added, “Far from it, faaaaaaaar from it.”

Now I’m the one left feeling a bit naive since it never occurred to me there was actual distance between being heterosexual and being homosexual. Here I am far, far into my 50s, and having always thought you were one or the other, or a switch-hitter (which is a baseball term and makes more sense in a sports article than saying bisexual).

In an effort to find out just how far from gay a person could be, I contacted the philosophy department at the University of Woolamaloo, but was told that Rules 1, 3, 5 and 7 of the college do not allow poofters. So I then caught up with Dr. Cranston Thorndike from Saskatchewan Polytechnic College, a noted geosexologist who is as fictitious as Teo’s girlfriend.

“Human sexuality is a lot like geography,” Dr. Thorndike explained. “Imagine a globe with longitudinal and latitudinal lines on it. Gay females occupy the prime meridian at the equator with gay males at the 180th meridian and equator. Heterosexual females are 90º West and the equator while heterosexual males are 90º East at the equator.

“Therefore, the farthest a male can get from being gay,” Dr. Thorndike continued, “is to become a gay female, and vice-versa.”

Switch-hitters are scattered along the equator, according to good doctor, depending upon the frequency of genders in their encounters. Levels of kinkiness and turn-on’s are measured on the latitudes which are far too complicated and lengthy for this column. If you’d like to know where you stand on the geosexual globe, use the comment sections below and note your gender, the gender(s) of your last 10 partner(s), favorite position(s) and a 50-word synopsis of your latest role-play scenario. Make that 100 words.

If your fantasies include a bathtub full of grape Jell-o and listening to the Rodeo ballet by Aaron Copland, feel free to leave your phone number.

At Least Te’o Hasn’t Been Caught Carrying A Gucci Bag
Sports and fashion worlds collided recently out in Los Angeles (where else?). UCLA guard (basketball, not football) Shabazz Muhammad was seen carrying a Gucci backpack after a Bruins loss to the Arizona State Sun Devils. Muhammad scored 18 points in the defeat, right at his season average, but everyone was far more interested in how a college freshman could afford such a piece of accoutrement for their wardrobe.

Assuming it wasn’t a knockoff bag, the tote retails anywhere from $990 to over $2,300 according to an ESPN article.

No word yet from the Pentagon if Gucci will be supplying rucksacks to females who have now been cleared to compete for combat assignments. Be careful what you wish for, ladies!

Personally, I like the standard pack that is issued for Special Ops, especially if it comes with the Pack Rat add-on where a soldier can keep all sorts of neat stuff like extra ammo, peanut butter crackers and a harmonica. Retail cost for the pair is $217.90, though I’m sure we taxpayers are billed for more than that.

Will Danica Make Ricky Stop & Ask For Directions?
There are at least a couple of people in the sports world who are comfortable in their own sexuality; NASCAR drivers Danica Patrick and Ricky Stenhouse Jr. revealed they are indeed a couple, at least temporarily ending dreams and fantasies for gay, bi and heterosexual men and women alike.

It does open up all sorts of issues and questions for when the two are competing against each other on the track, starting with the little lovebirds driving for different teams. Patrick tried to put that to rest when she said, “I always say I’ll race people how they race me until they do something to make me change my mind.”

Like we didn’t already know women were capable of changing their minds.

Stenhouse then said, “I race everyone hard.” Sounds like trouble to me.

It also opens up some interesting sponsorship ideas for the pair. Patrick drives the GoDaddy.com car, and I can’t help but think if Stenhouse races hard all the time, he might be perfect to get Viagra back into sponsoring a ride in the Sprint Cup Series. Go daddy, indeed.

About the Author: A crotchety old man since his birth during Gen. Eisenhower’s first term as US president, Willie B. Lakey resides in the bee-yoo-tiful Texas Hill Country along with his wife, too many cats and his beloved beer fridge. Employed as an overworked and underpaid freelance sportswriter, his few moments of happiness usually come when communing with critters, tending his garden or sippin’ cold beer and enjoying tunes at Gruene Hall.