“Sports do not build character. They reveal it.” ~Heywood Broun

A great hoax was perpetrated this week in the world of college football. Shortly after pledging his allegiance to the University of Oregon, head football coach Chip Kelly did an about-face and decided to make his way to the NFL ranks as the gridiron chief for the Philadelphia Eagles.

One can only hope that the Oregon Ducks, and their great benefactor Phil Knight, will somehow be able to get through this tragic loss, find the perfect replacement for that turncoat Kelly, and continue to mold fine young student-athletes into productive and upstanding citizens through the life lessons taught by the game of football.

Welcome to the first sports update at The Chaos Section where there is no official section for sports. It will be interesting to see if this is filed as Random Commentary or Other, though Religion is a possibility considering how so many people view so many different sports franchises and programs, myself included over the years.

And, of course, the Chip Kelly lead was not the biggest hoax in sports this week, not even second in the rankings though I do think he was kind of a dick for doing what he did. Don’t really blame the man for moving on now since the Ducks face NCAA punishment for some violations (on his watch, I’ll add). It’s not a crime to change your mind, however, and I hope Kelly kicks Dallas Cowboy butt twice a season in his new occupation.

Golden Domers Left Red-Faced In Messy Manti Te’o Saga

Topping this week’s sports news rankings is the story about Manti Te’o and a dead girlfriend who never existed. There are unconfirmed reports from several eyewitnesses who saw Touchdown Jesus actually roll his eyes on the Notre Dame campus when Deadspin.com broke the news.

Though bizarre and sad in its own right, the tale ranks no better than second to the Penn State scandal that first took the field in November 2011. That is according to the twittermania meter which is now universally recognized for rating stories about disgraced sports stars and/or their teams. Remember that twitter results will vary according to the media market ranking you live in, plus your number of friends on facebook divided by the amount of characters in the password you use most often.

There is one big reason why the Penn State fiasco should maintain its No. 1 ranking over the Te’o story, and that is real people were abused physically and emotionally…and by a vile man eventually sent to prison. Several involved in the cover-up remain free to this day. There still could be criminal charges in the fake-dead girlfriend chronicles, and if Te’o is indeed guilty of only being a cyber-bumpkin in this day and age, he will no doubt be emotionally scarred. But it’s not the same as the complicity in Happy Valley and the Keystone State over all those years.

Many in the media who broke the initial story have rushed to cover their asses the past couple of days, and that’s been kinda’ fun to watch, typed the cynical and slightly sadistic old man. If nothing else, the journalists, according to official credentials, let one through the 5-hole. I threw that 5-hole expression out just in case there are any hockey fans reading this article and happy to see the NHL season finally begin after yet another strike/lockout/fubar.

The really funny stuff to listen to is how will this affect his NFL draft status, oooohhhh, this could send him tumbling on Mel Kiper’s big board, aaaahhhhh. Are you fucking kiddin’ me?! There’s concern that NFL teams will shy away from him based upon character issues? The same NFL that welcomed Michael Vick back from prison and is now making Ray Lewis out to be the second coming? Really?

Lance & Oprah To Play Doubleheader

Ranked No. 1 when the week began, the legendary clash between Lance Armstrong and Oprah Winfrey slides to second thanks to the great offense and special teams play of the fake-dead girlfriend drama which will soon be a movie on the Lifetime Movie Network. There really isn’t much drama left now in the Lance & Oprah twinbill that airs Thursday night on Oprah’s airwaves and continues Friday.

I won’t be watching either night. Cycling hasn’t ever been my favorite sport, for starters. Paying for half of my first 10-speed back in the 60s was indeed a big moment in my life since it meant mowing around 15 yards to make that sort of huge cash payment. But that’s about the extent of my interest in cycling.

Oprah & Lance will get a pass from me mostly because I really don’t care at this point which athletes — or if ALL athletes — used any kind of drug yesterday, much less 15 years ago. I admit to using dictionaries, old reference books, a thesaurus or two and yes, even alcohol for an inspirational lift as a writer most of the last 25 years of my life, and nobody has ever given me a hard time for relying on performance enhancing documents or drugs.

With all due respect to the counterculture wisdom of Timothy Leary, a different slogan may be true for sports these days, at least the big money variety. Turn on, tune out and drop in on an old friend for a visit instead of watching a game.

This has been Willie B. with The Chaos Section Sports Report. Back to you, Nick.

Editors Note: Thanks for the sports report, Willie. While we really did want to file it under “religion” we decided instead to just create a new category. It looks kinda lonely in there, so we look forward to more of these in the future!

About the Author: A crotchety old man since his birth during Gen. Eisenhower’s first term as US president, Willie B. Lakey resides in the bee-yoo-tiful Texas Hill Country along with his wife, too many cats and his beloved beer fridge. Employed as an overworked and underpaid freelance sportswriter, his few moments of happiness usually come when communing with critters, tending his garden or sippin’ cold beer and enjoying tunes at Gruene Hall.