For years you have been told by adherents of Christian fundamentalism that “the gays” should not be allowed to marry, as it is clearly forbidden in the bible. It is a great sin, they say. God has told you that homosexuality is wrong and you shall surely burn in hell. The passage most often referenced to back up the rhetoric is Leviticus 18:22. If you flip to that particular verse, behold, you shall find that it is indeed true.

Leviticus 18:22…Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is an abomination.

Since we are obviously taking this 2,000 year old, heavily edited collection of books to be the literal word of an Angry Desert God, we thought we should do some research and discover what else the good book condemns. It turns out that there are hundreds of strange rules we must follow, from savagely beating your children for minor infractions to not boiling a calf in its mother’s milk. From avoiding pork and shellfish to eating locusts but not beatles. We have expertly explained a few of our favorite bible laws below, but we urge you to scour that book and learn the rest of them for yourself. You can never be too careful when you are dealing with eternal damnation….

Leviticus 19:19… Neither shall a garment mingled of linen and woollen come upon thee: Do not wear clothing woven of two kinds of material.

Holy shit, Leviticus again! They weren’t stopping with condemning the gay sex- now they’re going after that sweet cotton/nylon/polyester sports coat you love so much as well… assholes.

This is very bad news for anyone who has ever worn a garment of clothing that has been produced by mixing two different types of fiber. We decided to check in with one of the largest Christian clothing companies on the internet, ChristWear.com, to make sure they were keeping in line with God’s laws. And you won’t believe what we found- Not only can you pick up an ultra snazzy “Ultimate Sacrifice” t-shirt for the low, low price of 15 bucks, but you can also go straight to Hell for wearing it! Written right there, in plain English, in the description of their fine products are the words, “Some shirts are made from 100% cotton and some are 90% cotton & 10% polyester.” What the fuck, ChristWear? What kind of sick game of biblical Russian roulette are you playing with me? Some of your shirts are a cotton and polyester blend? How do I know which one I will receive? What if I get the blended one? According to good old Leviticus, if I drape myself in some of your fine clothing products, I’m a goner. I can only imagine, with great horror, how many poor souls have been cast into the lake of fire for unknowingly breaking God’s Law by purchasing mixed fiber clothing from ChristWear. Jesus….

Deuteronomy 13:12-15… If you hear in one of your cities, which the Lord your God is giving you to dwell there, ¹³ that certain worthless fellows have gone out among you and have drawn away the inhabitants of their city, saying, ‘Let us go and serve other gods,’ which you have not known, ¹⁴ then you shall inquire and make search and ask diligently. And behold, if it be true and certain that such an abomination has been done among you, ¹⁵ you shall surely put the inhabitants of that city to the sword, devoting it to destruction,^[a] all who are in it and its cattle, with the edge of the sword.

Translation: If you ever happen upon a city or town, anywhere in the world, and suspect that a few people there might worship a different god than you, you should first go all Hardy Boys on those fools and throw down an amateur investigation. If your detective work proves that your suspicions were indeed true, then it’s time to get busy. Are you ready… God says you must kill every motherfucker in that city with a fucking sword! And that’s not all. After you’re finished imitating Uma Thurman on the unsuspecting citizens, it is then time to turn your godly vengeance upon the livestock. You must slaughter every goddamned cow in that shitty heathen town with your sword as well. Make sure not to use the pointy end. There will be no stabbing of cattle. You must chop those bitches up with the edge of the sword. It’s the law….

Deuteronomy 13:5… And that prophet, or that dreamer of dreams, shall be put to death; because he hath spoken to turn you away from the LORD your God. So shalt thou put the evil away from the midst of thee.

Translation: Anybody who has a dream that goes against God… must be put to death. Really? How the fuck is that my fault? I can’t control what I dream! Oh well. It’s in the bible. It must be taken literally. I know it’s 11 o’ clock at night but I’m just going to go put on a pot of coffee real quick….

Leviticus 24:16… And he that blasphemeth the name of the Lord, he shall surely be put to death, and all the congregation shall certainly stone him: as well the stranger, as he that is born in the land, when he blasphemeth the name of the Lord, shall be put to death.

Translation: Any of you sinners who curse or speak ill of the Christian God will be stoned to death. You hear that Moms and Dads? If your child ever says the word “goddamnit” or something similar, it is not enough to correct them or give them a swat on the ass. No. Your God demands that you must beat the little savages to death with rocks. Make sure you head over to the church and get the rest of the congregation involved in the festivities.

1 Timothy 2:9… In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with decency and propriety; not with braided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array…

Motherfucker… You thought our economy was bad now, just wait until the good word gets out to the women of America. To translate, ladies, God commands that you dress extremely modest at all times. No expensive clothing. No fancy high-heeled shoes with those sexy straps that go way up your calf. No gold jewelry (to include wedding bands and engagement rings). No pearls. And do not- I emphasize- DO NOT, for the love of God, ever, ever, braid your hair. You don’t want to burn in the fires of Hell for all eternity just because you pissed off Jesus by walking around looking like a goddamned whore with your braided hair and gold rings, do you?

1 Timothy 2:12… But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence.

Shut your mouths you dumb bitches. You heard the man.

“Human decency is not derived from religion. It precedes it.”
– Christopher Hitchens

Author: Nick Allison is just a banged-up combat infantry veteran of the War in Iraq. He lives in Austin, TX with his wife, their children and two big, dumb, ugly mongrel dogs.

Please feel free to send your love letters and hate mail to nick.chaossection@gmail.com.

Twitter: @ChaosSection.com or @NickAllison80